my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
