a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
