unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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