I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
