bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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