Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
