i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
