The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
