I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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