i jhust puked up my retainher.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
