not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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