I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
