nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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