Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
