Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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