That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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