are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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