oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
