Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it was like having sex with a tree stump
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize