White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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