So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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