Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
