So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
