I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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