i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I had to cum in my sink.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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