see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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