You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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