i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
