Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
