I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
