And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
mondays should just be called national damage control day
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
