o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize