I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
