remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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