He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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