Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
