I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
