why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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