So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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