Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
