you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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