She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
