dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We have started to decorate penises.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
