I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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