Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
