The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
