Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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