I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
