the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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