I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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