Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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