I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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