My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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