I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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