god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
