Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can I color on your dick again?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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