God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
