Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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