i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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