he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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