I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
