so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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