his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
