stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize