I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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