explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
