there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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