I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize