I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
