I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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