dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
