So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
